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Doing what you want...
4 April 2000
I'm slightly reluctant to post anything, because of loosers.org and their views on journalists, but oh well. My view is that this site is a medium to address topics that I feel need to be addressed. No, the site doesn't exist because I think everybody might be interested in what I have to say, but rather a select few people I know (maybe as little as four or five people, who knows) may want to know what I'm up to, but would rather not find out in person. Anywho..
It's getting to that point where I start wondering about how I am going to live your life. A lot of questions come to mind. Do you try to fit into society? I could easily get a high paying decent job as college lets out and not have to worry about anything, but are there consequences? Who becomes in charge of your life? You, or the company you work for. I certainly do not seeing myself slaving hours upon hours on creating code so that a company can release a new version of a program. That violates my beliefs to an extent. I might end up doing it though. It just won't be done passionately.
aside: I am a supporter of the open source movement. I also belief that a program should be created for a specific purpose, but be applicable to a general purpose. For example my group at NCSA needs a program to exchange data with teachers, researchers and other participants of the Biology Work Bench. If no existing software existed (e.g netmeeting) we would build something for that specific purpose. After it is finished we modify the program slightly so others could find it useful and we release it to the world. No need to reinvent the wheel. This is why I wouldn't have passion coding a program like a word processor. I already have a word processor. It works fine.
I also want to go to graduate school, but I'm feeling overworked. 18 credit hours (which is the theoretical maximum) is quite doable, but it doesn't give room for many things. For one thing, I have tests every couple weeks. Tests in which I must score well lest my GPA be lowered. I also have little time to be in the state that I am now, which is illness. I am ill. It is a demotivator which prevents me from doing a number of things, like going to class, going to work or living. Then there is the problem with doing things outside of college and work. I don't. Everything seems to be seen in the eyes of the GPA.
I signed up for my fall semester today. 12 hours of Math/CS and 5 hours of Hindi. I worry that it might push me over. I plan to do the same for spring semester. I can do it, but then what? Do I jump into grad school? I'll probably need a break. Who knows, maybe I'll be able to defer attending graduate school and then submit a proposal to generous people and let me do something terribly interesting.
How does any of this apply to you people who read this? I guess today the point of doing what you want to do has been stressed in my mind. Do what you want to do, what you love to do and do it on your own terms. I love to learn, I love to work, but these are not necessarily my own terms. I need to make my own terms. I won't let this Child Psych test terrorize me this Thursday. I'll master as much as I can by then. What I don't know on the test I should not worry about. I will move on and finish this test, as I will continue to complete all my tests. Eventually I will no longer need to be tested so ridiculously much and people will just believe me when I say I know what I'm doing or saying.
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